Continuing in the vein of my recent blog posts on busy-ness, today I want to discuss this problem with thinking we are more important than we actually are. I see it all the time in the workplace and in life in general. We are all susceptible to thinking we are more important than we are. Myself included. In this blog, I will draw on my own experiences to demonstrate what this looks like, my thoughts on why it happens, how it affects others and my new philosophy on self-importance.
My struggles with self-importance
Early in my career, I often had the feeling that I couldn’t take a day off without letting the team down. I made myself available for phone calls, responding to emails and checking in with the team to see how things were going on-site. Did any of this actually help progress on-site? Or did it just contribute to my own stress and eventual burnout?
As a project manager, I continued with the same habits. In addition to this, I would plan my holidays around key project activities (the main problem being that there was always a critical project activity looming). I also felt exceptionally guilty considering and accepting a better opportunity with another organisation. I remember stressing for days before accepting that offer. I worked hard up to the final minute of employment, naively thinking my departure was going to hurt the business. It didn’t, and I’ve barely heard from old employers since.
This pattern has repeated again and again through my career, and each time, my departure barely registered a ripple. It was like a rock being thrown into a stream, a slight disturbance and then the stream returns to its correct course and flow.
I doubt I am the only person who has suffered from these delusions of self-importance. My own observations of the people around me indicate it is very common.
So why do we think we are so important?
I think there are several factors that play, lead us to thinking we are more important than we are.
The first is the messaging we have been fed growing up – The uniqueness of the individual. Which says there are 8 Billion people in the world, all with their own unique combination of strengths and gifts. Which is completely true – no person will ever exist who is exactly like you.
This problem is that this message fails to deliver an important nuance – unique does not necessarily mean special or exceptional. Because while in absolute terms you are truly unique, so is everyone else, which means it’s common. And common isn’t special. In the workplace, there are thousands of people who offer similar value to you, which means that you are replaceable. (I will explain why this is a good thing later in this blog).
Another factor is that we are all looking for meaning and purpose in our lives. So the long hours, the commute, the stress and the effort have to mean something. It has to be worth it. And so we attach more importance and meaning to our work and jobs than they actually have. Sure, the overall role we do is important, but the day-to-day process and busy work we are doing is not mission-critical. The question that might come to mind then is “Why am I working 10 hours a day then?” to which I would reply “Exactly”. This is where the whole idea of busyness, meaning important, becomes a real problem. See my previous blogs: Why Being Busy Isn’t a Flex Anymore, Escaping The Crisis Trap: How To Reclaim Your Time.
The last factor I see at play comes down to individual people’s strengths.
The strengths of ACHIEVER, RESPONSIBILITY and RELATOR in particular stand out to me. ACHIEVERS will want to see things through to the end, so missing the completion of an activity, event can be a difficult task. For people with RESPONSIBILITY and RELATOR there will be a feeling of guilt for asking others to cover for you, or not finishing off those things you said you would – this makes you feel bad.
The problem with over-estimating our importance to ourselves is that it results in additional stress, resentment and despair. You are putting unnecessary pressure on yourself to always be available; you never give yourself time to recharge, recover, rest or disconnect. This, in turn, affects our productivity, engagement and enthusiasm, which then affects our performance. To overcome this, we grind harder, work longer – all while telling ourselves that it’s worth it. Eventually, we hit burnout, when this happens, you feel washed up, like your career is over. It’s a horrible feeling, but like all things, it does pass.
It also has a negative impact on others
The other side of the equation of inflated self-importance is how it disempowers others. If you think you need to be involved in everything and can’t have a day off, you are standing in the way of others learning how to deal with problems. This becomes increasingly problematic as you gain seniority. Inserting yourself into every decision, attending every meeting, and involving yourself in every conversation – It almost becomes narcissistic.
Think I am unimportant – I am replaceable, and the team will thrive
The regular experiences of changing jobs, and the old company barely noticing, not attending “important” meetings and seeing the right decisions get made without me – have taught me that I am not as important as I thought I was, and that other people are just as capable and competent as I am.
For your teams, adopting this will be a revelation – by saying I will stay out of this conversation, I won’t attend this meeting, I will let the team make this decision without me, you will empower the team to work more autonomously. As each team member gains agency, they will become more capable and effective.
Adam Grant, in his book Hidden Potential, discusses how sports teams that lose their star player to injury for a moderate period become better. They learn how to play without their star player, and when their star player returns, they perform at a higher level than they did before the injury. So even if you are (or think you are) the high performer, there is merit in seeing that you aren’t as important as you think you are. You are still one piece of the team, and everyone needs to be given the opportunity to develop to be able to perform at their best.
Just another unimportant individual
As an individual, knowing I’m not important has freed me from the stress of having to constantly be available – I no longer have emails or teams on my phone; I only answer the phone when I want to; I’m only available for meetings in set time slots. I can only do this because I have internalised the principle that I am not as important as I think I am, that I am replaceable, and that others are just a capable as me. This has given me much more time and space for thinking, creative work and personal growth; all while still delivering outcomes for my clients.
I now take the view that I’m only important to me and my immediate family. This has allowed me to make decisions that are in the best interests of my family and myself instead of the people I work with. Moving to Port Macquarie, starting my own business, getting involved in community organisations – none of this would happen if I were stuck in the self-importance trap.
I understand that thinking of yourself as unimportant may be confronting, but I encourage you to explore this concept. For me, it’s been liberating and allowed me to find meaning in my life beyond the workplace.
If you are interested in learning about your strengths or would like to discuss the ideas in these blogs, please get in contact with TMY Advisory.
