I’ve come to realise that I’m not as good a listener as I thought I was. It first struck me when I listened to a short audio playback of myself in a meeting. It was jarring — I sounded so rude. I jumped in before someone had finished their sentence. That got me wondering: how often was I doing this? Was it only in meetings I was chairing? Was it just at work?

With this newfound awareness, I started noticing just how frequently I interjected before someone had finished speaking. On the phone, in a meeting, face-to-face — it didn’t matter. I was so eager to get to the point or add my two cents that I ended up talking over anyone and everyone. Surely this was negatively impacting my relationships, both professionally and personally. I was determined to become a better listener.

“Be effective with people and efficient with things.”
– Stephen Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Why Is This a Problem?

Well, I didn’t even notice I was doing it. In the moment, it rarely felt rude. In most cases, I thought I understood the point the person was making, so I’d add my input and try to move things along — in the interest of saving everyone (okay, maybe just myself) time.

But despite what I believed in those moments, it is rude. In my haste, I was missing the more important aspect of giving people space and time to contribute — so they could feel valued and included. In my pursuit of efficiency, I was unintentionally undermining someone’s self-worth and value.

This reminded me of Covey’s principle: “Be effective with people and efficient with things.” Every interruption was another brick in the wall between myself and the person I was cutting off.

And if people think I’m just going to cut them off, why would they even bother speaking up next time? What valuable contributions might the team — or the project — miss out on because of this?

Taken a step further: if I don’t attentively listen to others, why should they listen to me?

Don’t Be a Fixer

So far, I’ve only really touched on my poor listening habits in a professional setting. But listening is even more vital in our personal relationships.

How often has a friend, partner, child, sibling, or parent started opening up to you — and you jumped straight in, talking about a similar experience or offering advice on how to fix their problem?

Based on my own experience, this is all too common.

What kind of barriers do you think this creates between you and the people closest to you? How can someone feel safe sharing their deepest fears, hopes, and dreams if you just jump in and say, “Oh, I’ve been through that too”?

The truth is — you’ve never been through exactly what they’ve been through. Every person’s experience is unique. Sure, we can draw parallels and empathise. But we shouldn’t be arrogant enough to assume we know how to fix someone else’s problems.

We have two ears and one mouth, so that we can listen twice as much as we speak. – Epictetus

What’s the Point of Listening?

It’s said that listening is the most important aspect of leadership — and of being human. To me, listening serves three key purposes: Learning, Communication, and Connection.

Learning

At its most basic, listening is how we absorb information from the world around us. By listening to others, we learn about problems, concepts, ideas, and perspectives that we otherwise might never encounter. When focused on learning, listening is about the listener.

Communication

When we listen to each other, we can have real dialogue — back-and-forth exchanges that help us develop ideas, solve problems, and build understanding. In this setting, listening is about both the speaker and the listener. This is the kind of listening we use most in meetings and group discussions.

Connection

This is the deepest level of listening. Here, we listen to understand someone not just rationally, but emotionally. We are listening to validate someone’s experience; we are not listening to respond or add our two cents. We’re holding space — sincerely — for another human being to process their thoughts or emotions. When done well, this type of listening is profoundly validating for the person sharing.

This type of listening is often reserved for one-on-one interactions or support groups. I’ve been fortunate to experience this through mentoring and support groups over the past 2 years now. It’s a skill I continue to develop.

There’s a brilliant video called It’s Not About the Nail that demonstrates this kind of listening in practice.

How Will I Listen Better?

Awareness is one thing — action is another. I am determined to become a better listener, and here are the actions I will take to do that:

1. Give the speaker your full attention.
2. If you’re short on time, politely let the speaker know, and offer an alternative when you can be fully present.
3. Speak less.
4. Understand the type of listening I am doing — Learning, Communication, or Connection.
5. If in learner mode, then listen and ask only clarifying questions to develop a clear understanding of what is being shared. Understand that you are not engaging in a dialogue; you are listening to learn, not to teach.
6. If in communication mode, act like I am in learner mode when someone else is speaking. Listen to learn and understand, not respond. Once the speaker has finished, pause and then respond. Do not formulate a rebuttal or response whilst the speaker is talking.
7. If in connection mode, practice empathic listening. Listen to deeply understand the speaker’s emotions. Validate the person by clarifying what you have heard and the emotions you have felt. Do not speak from your own experience or provide advice. If advice is requested, then use it as an opportunity to ask questions so that the speaker can arrive at their own solutions.

Conclusion

Realising I’m a poor listener was a bit confronting. But I’m excited to work on it. I know that becoming a better listener will improve every relationship in my life — personally and professionally.